Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he’s crying.

The old man says, “I’m retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day.”

The young man says, “Well then why the hell are you crying!?”

The old man replies, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Finally a Barbie I can relate to

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash
Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turnbeet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken,Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and a cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

The New Baby

Went to see my sister and her new baby the other day.

She asked if I wanted to wind her, which I thought was a bit extreme,
so I gave her a dead leg!

Please Grab!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “Because I like my tits grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and
Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Voodoo Enronomics

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”

“IMPOSSIBLE!!” said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Wedding… No more adding

Do not loose your hands. There is always someone watching you.

Wow! It really went well. Seems like the groom had hell of a good time.

Seems like she really likes birds. This babe looks like she’s holding a huge nasty leach in her hands. Don’t let get away, honey!

The Matrix in combination with Michael Jordan. Pretty good couple.

These guys know well how to have fun. Hope they don’t chew each other nipples until bleeding while making love.

This little Cinderella must’ve grown up on Silvestre Stalone movies. The real Rambo’s girlfriend.

Love IS a crazy thing. Well, glad for them: they really found each other.