DVD review: Multiple homicide, double standard

If you’ve never seen a movie where the character walks backwards towards the edge of the frame only to be surprised by someone standing behind them, “House of Wax,” now out on DVD from Warner Home Video, may seem like cutting-edge cinema. Of course you would still have to sit through 45 minutes of lazy exposition designed to make characters with the depth of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog seem lifelike before their inevitable waxing. For, you know, contrast.

Paris Hilton getting killed is really the only thing they’ve got here, and the filmmakers know it. I found myself checking my watch all the way past the hour mark waiting for her to get it. The casting of Hilton, an “actress” totally untroubled by talent or good taste, goes to one of the central weaknesses of this film.

Good horror flicks scare by inverting the norms of reality and violating the boundaries of safety that society establishes. Thus, actually frightening films like “Psycho,” John Carpenter’s first “Halloween,” “Rosemary’s Baby” or “28 Days Later” really work on their audiences deep down. The realest thing “House of Wax” has going for it is real heiress Hilton “playing” a dumb teen, surrounded by a bunch of other dumb teens who have all kinds of fancy toys (like a Cadillac pick-up truck) that few grown-ups could afford. Call it aspirational horror. A better movie might successfully find a consumerist parable in the killing of these cardboard dummies, but director Jaume ColletSerra is no George Romero, and this is definitely no “Dawn of The Dead.”

Watching “House of Wax” got me to thinking (surprisingly enough). How is it that a film with zero redeeming qualities other than copious gore and gruesome violence can get an R rating from the MPAA and something like Atom Egoyan’s “Where The Truth Lies” or the Ewan McGregor starrer “Young Adam” gets slapped with NC17s for some semi-explicit sex?

The Sting. Film Review

Audiences must have left theaters in 1973 chortling at the audacious twists of this tale of a grifter (Robert Redford) out for revenge after his partner is murdered.

Unfortunately, in the past 30 years, con-men and trick endings have become such cliches that the movie has lost its power to surprise. Even when Redford is leaping over rooftops, The Sting feels lethargic.

An impressive supporting cast (Ray Walston, Eileen Brennan, Robert Shaw) and great direction help make up for this. And Paul Newman is a loopy delight as Henry Gondorff: The twinkle in his blue eyes when he signals that the con is on remains undimmed by time. There are three making-of documentaries with interviews with Newman, Redford, et al., but these are more self-congratulatory than informative.

Still Steamed

You need to stop shilling for Steam. The reason is simple: Try [to] get customer support when you cannot connect. Steam has no customer support, and if it doesn’t work…you are out of tuck. You have no options. Not a one. So take the Steam challenge and see if you can get help.

I suspect that the reason is that Steam hates their customers and, with Half-Life being such an amazing game, they can afford to lose 10 percent and still be happy. Plus, the huge savings [from] not having to employ a bunch of [foreigners] to provide bad customer support.

So be a pal and write the truth: Steam still sucks. I find I can connect about one third of the time. And now I hate myself for looking forward to the next episode [of Half-Life 2]. So thanks to Steam for ruining my gaming experience.

Rein It In

In the October issue. Mark Rein blames Intel for the proliferation of moderately powered computers that “suck for playing decent games,” Nonsense. Decent games don’t necessarily need high-end rigs. Didn’t Mr. Rein consider that the problem lies with publishers constantly focusing on games with bleeding-edge graphics?

You don’t need cutting-edge graphics - or even 3D graphics - for great gameplay. Any longtime gamer knows that. Instead of repeatedly selling us more of the same with fancy new window dressing that requires a graphics card upgrade, why not create something original that puts the gameplay before the eye candy?

Farmer and the Cow

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin’ him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!